


smoking down my heart

by wolfchester



Series: friendly savages [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Gen, and misses his girl and his brother, dean's thoughts as he travels alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:42:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27099817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfchester/pseuds/wolfchester
Summary: dean at the end. without Jo, without Sam. just with the Impala, a burnt down cigarette, and miles to go ahead of him.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Jo Harvelle/Dean Winchester
Series: friendly savages [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977598
Kudos: 3





	smoking down my heart

**Author's Note:**

> annnnnd this is the last installment in the friendly savages spn series that i wrote when i was a teenager and hadn't yet discovered ao3. (there are actually 8 or 9 other fics that were meant to be in this series, but almost seven years later, i think we can put those ideas to rest hahaha)
> 
> the song from the title and the lyrics is 'smoking down my heart' by friendly savages

_ i'm out of Raleigh, resting _

_ with a burnt down cigarette _

_ and the people driving by me _

_ are the ones i wish i’d met _

_ still things are good, they are _

_ smoking in my car _

_ i think it’s time to go away _

_ i’m out of matches, wishing _

_ that i had another light _

_ or anything to calm me _

_ when the sunrise ain’t so bright _

_ still things are good, they are _

_ smoking down my heart _

_ even when they aren’t _

_ i’m smoking down my heart _

* * *

He rests leaning against the Impala on the side of a country road, smoking a cigarette, drinking a lukewarm beer, and thinking about how he came to be here.

He’s in a town he’s never been before, watching cars driving by filled with people he’s never seen before. He’s got no money, nothing except his car, his clothes, and a whole lot of guns in the trunk.

Dean has been driving for the better part of four months since Sam left him, picking up jobs along the way in towns like this. Just this morning he helped eradicate a ghost in a old lady’s apartment, and two days ago he killed a werewolf living on the outskirts of town and preying on stray cats. It’s not much, and he feels kind of like he’s owning a pest-control service, but it’s a job and it pays for the food he buys at truck stops at night. 

_ Everything leaves me _ , he thinks as he watches the sun go down. Mom left him, Dad left him, Sam left him and now Jo’s left him. The sun leaves him, too, disappearing below the curve of the earth so quick, like it has somewhere to go that isn’t here, isn’t with Dean Winchester.

He takes another puff of his cigarette, another sip of his drink. He has death in his hands, death coursing through his veins, but he doesn’t care. He hasn’t cared about anything since Jo left. It was the final straw, seeing her body burn down with Ellen’s in that warehouse, the yapping of hellhounds filling the air. The memory is burned into that back of his mind. He can still feel the tears running down his face, hear the rasp in his voice as he whispers to the raging fire:  _ “I’m sorry.”  _

Dean squeezes his eyes shut, hoping that it takes away that image from his mind. Takes another puff, another sip, taunting death. He’s got nothing left.

He thinks about calling Sam, has his number in his old cellphone sitting on the kitchen table. But he knows better than to pull on that thread. Sam told him very clearly last time they met that he didn’t want to see his lousy, no-good brother ever again. Or at least until Dean stopped being so self-destructive, so dangerous to everyone around him. Sam needed Dean to climb out of the pit he’s dug himself into, and Dean’s not sure if he wants to do that yet.

It’s lonely, yes. He misses everyone at some point or another. Misses his mom when he’s driving through Kansas and sees a park on the side of the road not unlike the one she used to take him to play in sometimes after school. Misses his dad when he accidentally replays an old voice message John sent him years ago, something about a Wendigo in Colorado and “ _ I’m in San Fran right now son, could you get it for me?” _ Misses Sam when he’s driving down the Interstate to Texas and a song comes on the radio that reminds him of the time Sam couldn’t stop singing it all the way through New York state. Misses Jo the most when he’s lying in a musty old bed in some musty old motel, and he reaches over to hold her body but realises a moment too late that she’s not there anymore. (He keeps one of her old flannel shirts with him when on the road. It still smells like her and he cries into the shirt sometimes when it all gets too much.)

He’s lonely but he’s happy, in a distorted kind of way. He enjoys being on his own, doing things on his own terms, not having to worry about anyone or anything. When he hunted with Sam and Jo, he always felt hindered by a sense of having to protect them all the time. He loved them both - too much - and that was a problem. Especially when he hunted with Jo. He couldn’t  _ stand  _ it when she got hurt, when he had to patch up yet another slash wound made by a werewolf in a motel room somewhere. He knew in the back of his mind that she could handle herself, of course, but that didn’t mean his heart agreed.

_ Maybe it’s a good thing that they’re gone _ , he thinks, then shakes his head and immediately refutes that thought. It’s  _ not  _ a good thing that they’re gone. He misses his brother and his girl so much that it hurts sometimes,  _ all the time _ , and that’s why he’s taken up smoking, drinking too much, because it helps take the pain away for a while.

But he’s doing okay on his own. And he  _ will  _ be okay eventually. 

He’s kind of content with what he has here: a burnt-down cigarette, his Impala, and miles to go ahead of him.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, you are welcome to come and chat to me on my tumblr @jjmaybank! i'm not part of the spn fandom anymore, but i do still have a maaaajor soft spot for dean and jo and would love to cry over them w you if you'd let me hehe
> 
> thank u for reading xoxo


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